We are bombarded with warnings

Chad Filley
Chad Filley

Chad Filley
Guest Comedian  Columnist

Life is constantly bombarded with warnings. Tornado Warning … Blizzard Warnings … Two-Minute Warnings… Many past warnings have left us fear-stricken, yet yielded little or no danger.

For years Americans were told that Killer Bees would soon be invading creating horrific nightmares of Black and Yellow overrunning the land of Red, White and Blue. Fortunately this never happened.

Instead of Partying like it was 1999, we wasted the entire year in fear of the imminent Y2K shutdown. Not sure how computers were going to unleash the zombie Apocalypse, but fortunately it never happened.

Probably the biggest was the massive preparation for the metric system changeover. This wasn’t some whack job survivalist conspiracy but instead an idea sanctioned by the U.S. Government following the passing of the Metric Conversion Act of 1975 (a law that tortured millions of elementary students as they were forced to learn this “foreign system”).

We were told that all countries would eventually adopt this system which turned out to be a lie (both Myanmar and Liberia haven’t changed either). This “changeover” wasted valuable school time that could have been slated for important things like recess. It’s a good thing there wasn’t a threat of returning back to the use of Roman Numerals, otherwise we may have ended up shortening our lunch periods to XXV minutes.

The amount of changes needed for this would have been a logistical nightmare. All speed limit signs would need to be changed, yardsticks would become meter sticks, and inchworms would have to be referred to as a 2.54 centimeter-worms.

It’s also interesting that tumors are measured in millimeters. Why doesn’t the medical industry measure them in feet and inches? “Your tumor is a foot long.” This actually wouldn’t work because it sounds like some sort of hotdog.  My tumor has a first name it’s O-S-C-A-R. My tumor has a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R.

“Mr. Smith, your tumor is 30.55 mm in circumference.” After a long silence and a blank stare Mr. Smith is then told, “It’s the size of a softball.”

Really, since nobody understands the metric we have resorted to comparing tumors common sports balls. “Mr. Smith, your tumor is the size of a cricket ball.” Isn’t hail size also compared to the size of a ball?

I doubt that we’ll ever completely change to the metric system. Now it’s time for me to stop writing this column so I can go for a run to train for my upcoming 10K race.  Then after that I’m going to pour myself a Sprite from my recently purchased 2-liter bottle.

Come to think of it, claiming that the metric system will be used in today’s United States is a complete joke.

Chad Filley is a local comedian. More information on his events can be found at www.chadfilley.com.