The local war on terrorism

Chad A. Filley
Guest Columnist

I woke up one July morning and looked into my backyard expecting to see a serene landscape rivaling something that Norman Rockwell could only have dreamt of painting, but instead was shocked to see my yard had been vandalized. No, this wasn’t merely vandalism; it was an act of terrorism. A company of moles had pockmarked my backyard with a series of tunnels. Seeing my lawn covered in random stripes brought back the revolting memory of the time when Aunt Matilda had worn shorts to the family reunion exposing her varicose veins to all the unsuspecting clan.

(Author’s Note: Upon researching moles I found out that a group of moles can either be referred to as a company or a labour, but after an unprovoked attack like this, I prefer to call them terrorists.)

After quickly surveying my yard I did what any red blooded American would. I declared my own personal war on terrorism, made breakfast, showered, and then went to the internet to look into my options.

It’s amazing how many home remedies can be found on the Internet. Numerous sites described dropping sticks of Juicy Fruit gum into the tunnels. This seemed stupid to me because waiting for their teeth to rot would take way too long. Besides I’m also afraid that if they swallow the gum then there will be piles of mole dung in my yard in seven years (remember how mom always told us it would take seven years to digest a piece of swallowed gum).

Another site suggested using a vibrating machine. Turns out one can purchase vibrating machines that send shock waves down the mole tunnels, but I thought this sounded like an expensive, gimmick that probably doesn’t work.

Some “experts” recommended dumping a mixture of dish soap, cayenne pepper, and castor oil down the tunnel. When poor, unsuspecting Morocco Mole wades through this solution; it sticks to his skin and burns him. I guess the mastermind of this solution couldn’t find any Napalm at the local Army Surplus store. Is this what is needed in the crusade against moles? Should we be taking a tough approach against these terrorists? Would covering them in tar and feathers be too far? Or should I open a detention center called GitMole where I tie them to Popsicle sticks and water board them with an eye dropper?  I’m afraid all this will do is make martyrs out of the tortured moles and end up breeding generations of angry mole terrorists who vow upon birth to attack my yard.

I’m surprised I didn’t run into a site suggesting looking through the Soldier of Fortune ads and trying to hire a mercenary Veteran Tunnel Rat to crawl down in the tunnels to flush the pesky varmints out.

Then on the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of July I noticed that the digging had stopped. Had they given up? No sooner had I sighed in relief when they attacked one of my wife’s Hostas, a truly unforgiveable debauchery. The cease fire was off.

So I took things into my own hands and stole this idea right off the playbook of Chuck E. Cheese. I invited all the neighbor kids over and charged them 50 cents a minute as I allowed them to roam the backyard with mallets. For every mole they whacked they received a ticket. Once they earned five tickets they could trade them in for a stick of Juicy Fruit gum. It was great. No more mole problem for me and I earned $500 in the process. I just hope the neighbor kid’s teeth don’t rot out and I certainly hope none of the kids swallowed any of the gum.

(Authors Note: No Moles were  actually harmed in the writing of this article.)

Chad Filley is a local comedian. More information on his events can be found at