A ‘Most Likely To…’ list for celebs

Chad Filley
Guest columnist

With all of the recent graduates, I discovered certain celebrities received the following awards from their high school classmates forecasting what bright futures they had to look forward to…

Least likely to become Mother of the Year: Casey Anthony

Most likely to go from Penn State Hero to State Pen Zero: Jerry Sandusky

Best Hairstyle: Donald Trump

Most likely to have a Litter: Octomom (At least she’s a productive member of society…Not!)

Most likely to become Poster Child for the Humane Society: Michael Vick

Most likely to wear a designer Prison Jumpsuit: Martha Stewart

Most likely to become Husband of the Year: Joey Buttafuoco (Barely beat out Bill Clinton and Ike Turner)

Most likely to be a Champion of the Union Members: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker

What do signs really tell us?

I always wonder who designs the signs posted on the highways. I have never understood the sign reading “Bump Ahead.” Whenever I see these signs, I can’t help but think that if they can go to all the trouble to make a sign, then why don’t they just fix the bump? And they never warn drivers about the big bumps, only the minor ones. There’s never a sign just before you collide with a Grand Canyon-sized crevasse that registers a 6.9 on the Richter scale. Instead of a sign, those bad boys should be preceded by a lighthouse.

I also chuckle at product warning labels. My circular saw reveals that it’s not a good idea to touch the blade while operating the tool. No kidding! In my day, they didn’t need warning labels to teach us things like that. Back then we had digit-less shop teachers that served as a constant reminder.

Finally, what about Wisconsin highways? Why do they letter their roads instead of using numbers? What’s really funny is once they get past Z, then they move on to AA. In a beer drinking state like Wisconsin, wouldn’t it stand to reason that AA would be the road less traveled? I won’t even comment on highway Double D. That’s just too easy.

Chad Filley is a stand up comedian from East Central Minnesota. You can see a listing of his upcoming shows on his website, www.chadfilley.com.