Barking about several canine issues

Chad Filley
Guest Writer


This winter my wife Jane and I spent the afternoon with our three dogs in dog parks in the northern suburbs. While standing there watching our dogs chasing one another, a woman approached me and asked if we owned Antonio (our bulldog).

“Yes,” I said proudly.

“Is he neutered?” she asked.

I thought she was getting a little personal, but I confirmed he was.

“Then you should get him a pair of Neuticles,” she said. “It will help him raise his self esteem.”

Self esteem? I’m more concerned about getting him to stop eating the cat’s vomit than raising his self esteem to the level of the average Goldendoodle.

For those that don’t know, Neuticles are fake testicles for dogs purchased by owners with severely misguided guilt issues. I recently read that the Kardashians’ purchased Neuticles for their dog at a cost of $5,000 for the pair.

Good Lord, what has this world come to? Why would anyone spend that amount of money for doggy cosmetics? Of course, why would anyone have bought Kim Kardashian a $2 million, 20.5 carat diamond engagement ring? Since their nuptial bliss only lasted a couple of months, maybe Kris Humphries should have demanded that they slice the diamond and use it as Neuticles for the pooch. Sounds like a wiser investment than a ring on celebrity-nobody like her.


The Patron Saint

When my wife dies, she is certain to be on the fast lane to Heaven because of all the good she does for others. Not only does she clean up garbage and recycled goods all over Cambridge, but she also picks up dog poop in the city parks that people have carelessly ignored.

She does this so often I have nicknamed her the Patron Saint of Dog Poop or the Doo Doo Guru.

If you aren’t going to pick up your dog waste, then make sure Scooby goes Doo Doo in YOUR YARD…problem solved. If you are going to walk in the park, then pick up after Fido! It’s that simple. Last weekend she picked up 15 grocery bags full of dung.

I love when she confronts someone about cleaning up and they tell her, “My dog goes in the woods.”

My answer is that is a bunch of crap (pun intended)! If you can see your dog’s droppings, then everyone else can too and that’s not going in the woods. This type of irresponsible dog ownership causes non-dog people to dislike dogs.

If I had a superhero power it would be the Godfather power.  Whenever someone doesn’t pick up after their dog then they will wake up the next morning and canine feces will magically be in their bed (just like the horse’s head in the Godfather). I bet that would solve that problem.

Maybe there should be a poop purgatory for offenders. One year in purgatory for every ounce not picked up.


Rescue Dogs

If you rescued an animal from the pound…Good for you! If you rescued a dog from a puppy mill…great job! Okay, now that’s all the praise you deserve, so please get on with your life.

My wife works for a veterinarian and whenever I visit her office I overhear someone telling a tired tale about how they rescued little Daffodil from an evil life of inadequate shelter and starvation.

I’m glad you love your dog, but 80 percent of the dogs out there have been rescued. Getting a dog from the pound doesn’t make you Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. I’ve never once heard them bragging how they’ve adopted six children from third world countries and they saved them from a life of cannibalism and leprosy.

Another tired move from animal “Rescuers” is asking for discounted veterinary bills. If you took on the responsibility for the animal, then buck up and pay the bill. Can you imagine a person telling their child’s doctor, “I’ll pay full prices for Jennifer’s vaccines, but can I get half off for Billy’s because he’s adopted?”

Chad Filley is a stand up comedian from East Central Minnesota. You can see a listing of his upcoming shows on his website,