Let's Talk About Grief - death of a child needn't
lead to divorce of parents
Posted Online: 11/5/02
By Frances Wohlenhaus-Munday and Jack Munday Government statistics estimate that each year 228,000 children and young adults die in the United States--and these numbers do not include miscarriages, stillbirths, or the deaths of older adults whose parent survive them. The family is devastated, broken-hearted, at a loss on how to cope. Stress leads to a breakdown in the relationship between mother and father. The marriage ends in divorce. Not true! Contrary to the often repeated bromide of 80 percent divorce rates in such families, breakup of marriages due to the death of a child is actually much less than the national average for all families. According to a survey conducted by The Compassionate Friends, Inc., an international support group for families in which a child has died, divorce rates are lower than for the marriages in which no such tragedy has occurred. "Overall, 72% of parents who were married at the time of their child's death are still married to the same person. The remaining 28% of marriages include 16% in which one spouse had died, so, in effect, only 12% of these marriages ended in divorce." There is no question that the death of a child places a great strain on a marriage. The intensity of the grief is so personal that it is virtually impossible to share, difficult even to describe except to others who have already lived with such a loss. What we have found is that gathering with others who do understand takes an enormous pressure off of the newly bereaved. Women will hear that other husbands don't want to talk about their child, and men hear that other wives cry for no outwardly apparent reason. Most importantly, they all learn that everyone grieves differently, that their reactions are normal, not unique to them, and they learn that somehow others made it through the first few years to achieve a stable life, even maybe a good one. Out of the hundreds of couples we have met in support groups, we know of just three who have separated, and are back together. Couples who make an effort to find help, even if it is just one of the couple, are made aware of the many common feelings they share with others who are facing the death of a child. They learn that they are not alone, and that tension between the couple is normal. The single most important concept to understand is that each individual grieves differently and that every individual has the same pain. And when this lesson is learned, by hearing others express reactions that one spouse or the other has also had, sharing the loss becomes more important than rejecting their mate's own personal reaction to the pain and sorrow. Comfort one another. Your grief may be different than your spouse's feelings, but your loss is the same. Please call if you want more information about the Isanti County Bereavement Support Group. Join us as we reach out to each other. It will be a healing experience. Jack and Fran Munday live in Isanti County, Minnesota. They are the authors of Surviving The Death Of A Child, Westminster/John Knox Press, Louisville, KY. They are organizing the Isanti County Bereavement Support Group and invite bereaved parents, siblings and spouses to join them. Contact Jack or Fran for more information. Telephone 763-444-8780. E-mail: rosecastle@aol.com
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