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Let's Talk About Grief - Be careful not to shatter
the faith of the mourner

Posted Online: 11/12/02

By Frances Wohlenhaus-Munday and Jack Munday

The role of the church in bereavement support can be summed up in one thought: don't do anything to shatter the faith of the mourner. People with strong religious affiliation are often faced with a challenge when tragedy strikes. Those whose beliefs are not as strong, or are not part of their daily lives, will also ask themselves where God is during their bereavement. Grief from the untimely death of a loved one is utterly disorienting, casting us adrift in an emotional storm where what was certain no longer seems to matter.

Some years ago, a young man died in a single car automobile accident. His mother, a pillar of her church, had placed his safety in God's hands, trusting that if she did her part, God would protect her and her family. Her son's accidental death seemed to her to be a betrayal of her trust in God.

After the funeral, where she did not find any answers to her haunted cry of 'why, God?' the mother would not talk to anyone. We received a call from the wife of the pastor, who asked Fran to visit the woman. Fran had been called because the pastor had heard of our book. Of course Fran went as soon as it could be arranged.

Somber at first, the mother opened up, talking about her expectations of God's protections, her bargaining with God, her pain at being betrayed in her faith. "How can you still pray?" she asked.

Fran didn't do what many clergy do, offering simple answers that attempt to tell us what is in God's mind. She didn't quote a Bible verse or suggest a particular prayer, because those words don't contain answers. She did say that God didn't cause the accident, certainly not to test her. That thinking denies the victim's humanity. Fran listened more than she spoke, offered accompaniment, not advice. After about three hours, the woman had calmed down. She even smiled when Fran said that her own prayers were for healing, not explanations for what had befallen her daughter.

Later, when we met the pastor, he said "She isn't right with the church, yet." "No pastor," Jack said, "the church is not right with her."

Most clergy do a fine job in the beginning, visiting the mourners at their home, presiding at a comforting, meaningful funeral or memorial service, lifting up the life of the deceased with dignity. But unless the priest, pastor, rabbi or other clergy has been there with their own untimely loss, they don't know the depth of the pain being endured by the parent or spouse. They don't understand that the bereaved are facing years of intense mourning and that they will never 'get over' their loss.

The one thing the church can do that is most helpful to the newly bereaved is to connect them with others who have been through a similar circumstance and who have, in time, returned to a normal, however different life after loss. This helps those with fresh grief see that others have made it through this pain they never imagined. It also gives the comforter that opportunity to reach out to others, not with answers to the unanswerable, but with love.

Jack and Fran Munday live in Isanti County, Minnesota. They are the author of Surviving The Death Of A Child, Westminster/John Knox Press, Louisville, KY. They are organizing the Isanti County Bereavement Support Group and invite bereaved parents, siblings and spouses to join them. Contact Jack or Fran for more information. Telephone 763-444-8780. E-mail: rosecastle@aol.com